Life for we all know contains
a variety of layers waiting to be unfold, before we unveils the inner “core”
beauty of it. But before we reach that exquisite beauty on what we called “life”,
one must go through each layer; A layer that changes every time we unfold one.
As human being, we are “programmed” and “created” imperfectly that’s why we are
prone on committing mistakes; mistakes that affect our very own self in
unfolding those “layers” in LIFE. Those flaws and imperfections that engulfs within
our body and soul makes us more vulnerable in determining our goals and choosing
our values in life.
As I remember when I was a child, at a very young age of four (4) I used to dream of being a doctor, then afterwards it changes suddenly when I found myself wanting of becoming a lawyer and so on and so forth. My childhood days are full of laughters and dreams, because during those times I only have vague understanding of LIFE. The face of life for me before is so simple and basic… yet, so innocent, so naive so ideal… and now, as I reached the age of 29 that changes all. It was transform into a much complicated web that was tangled through ill-circumstances where I see laughter into grieves and dreams that slowly turns into ashes which was being swept away by the wind. For the innocence and naivete during my youthfulness was constantly abducted by darkness and heartaches; leaving “life” only as empty bottle waiting to be filled up with pebbles and waters. For I know that life is not that easy (may be for some it was) and as for this very moment of my life I feel that life is the co-existence of emptiness and vice versa.
As
I go on with my schematic plan for my future and for me to unfurl those layers,
I came across to meet various facets of challenges that “LIFE” has to offer.
Going through with Grief, Anger, Anxiety
and Betrayal is like riding into a roller coaster without a seat belt; the
feeling of fear and danger while clinging so hard to the handrails and
exasperatedly breathing at my very own seat, so as to survive the “death
thrilling” ride – A trip that only a few will dare to take up. Well, that is my
survival for the past years. It was never easy as they say… It was not a bed
full of roses. There are times when I really hate myself for I am very much
capable of being hurt and depressed. Even the slightest touch of winds that blows
into my skin makes me tremble in despair. There are times when I questioned God
about my existence, my purpose why I am still alive. Living despite all my
love ones’ are departing one by one. Leaving me all alone with these kind of
life…A life that is tampered and broken. Sometimes when I feel that disparity
and misfortunes
embraces me, I keep asking God Why He let me live with this
kind of life that I have? Why there are some people who seem that life is so
light and so smooth while sailing? Why there some people who have everything in this
world -All the comforts, all the material things, all the love and everything! But on the on the hand,
despite those questions that clutters my mind; my faith and hope to God still
hovers. For there is one voice within me that says “everything will turn out
right” that God has plans for me in HIS right time and place.
So, while I am patiently waiting for that moment, I still have to carry on with
my sword and start battling again so as to lifting those layers and eventually
pull in the inner “core of life.”
As I walk through empty
roads, my minds retract a famous line from Joseph Campbell that says: "We must be willing to let go of the life
we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us." Savoring those lines keeps me enlightened somehow that despite all the things that happens in my life, HOPE and FAITH is still there, willing to
accompany me in journeying LIFE. Leaving my past behind is much more than forgiving myself with my past mistakes and accepting my present situations, so
as with my failures and broken dreams. Struggling those layers means leaving
both the good and bad things behind us. It does not mean that I have forgotten
them but instead, It simply means that I do not cling to them either because I
feel guilty for what I have done, or because I am very happy about the things
that I have achieved. Those things forbid us and limit us to embrace the
future. Everything in the past has a tendency to bind us emotionally. So I have
to unchain myself from my past and move on to the future.
Despite the predicament
of living my life alone I am still determined and unchanged of my beliefs that
there is always LIFE after my battle. I still believe that as I continue to adversities in LIFE I will still be able to reach the “very CORE” of Life… The
“core” that will reveal the secrets of my existence; the Core that will bring
back or if not exactly will convey happiness and eventually heal all the wounds
that I endure after battling in LIFE.
